So one would think that a horror movie called "Piranha 3-D" could do no wrong...or maybe you would depending on your taste for films. Personally I had a geekgasm when I first saw the trailer for "Piranha 3-D!" It was a combination of Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O'Connell, Adam Scott and Elizabeth Shue; I mean honestly via the trailer it is "JAWS" meets "Lake Placid"...or so I thought.
Once myself and my 2 unsuspecting friends had purchased our $10 movie tickets and were seated comfortably with our uncomfortable 3-D specs in place it was ready to get our gore on. But sadly what ensued was 88 minutes of cinematic disaster. I will be the first one to admit that I went in simply for the gore porn...I wanted to see little crazy piranha's massacre a bunch of drunk spring breakers...what?! Not every movie can be "A Beautiful Mind." It seems somewhere along the way my gore porn got turned into strictly porn. Don't get me wrong if your favorite type of movie is all about naked women then "Piranha 3-D" is the flick for you. Now as a horror movie junkie I am well aware that almost every horror film has your obligatory naked scene. Hell Randy from "Scream" explained it all in the "Rules" of every good horror movie. But to say "Piranha 3-D" is a porn movie that got dropped in a bucket of blood is being generous. I am almost certain that there were more naked breasts then lines of dialogue.
But there were bright spots; it wasn't all porn...just most of it. There was a lot of good kills and plenty of blood and also a rather amusing cameo by one of my favorite horror directors Eli Roth. I have to say it makes my day to see all the different horror movie he randomly pops up in...and all the ways they always find for him to die. The kills have a very slow build up though; there is a kill here and there for about the first hour of the movie and then finally there is an all out massacre which was what I had been waiting for but sadly it came about 70 minutes too late.
I would have even been happy with cheap 3-D tricks...I mean honestly you are a horror movie about crazy little prehistoric piranhas where are my 3-D tricks? Well placed jumpy moments? Tiny bit of plot?...Anything?...Yes?...No?...Ok then moving on.
The Ending. Or well lack there of. I have to say I am all for the shocking ending...what I am not for is an ending that makes me think you ran out of production money. That is exactly what "Piranha 3-D" feels like.
Christopher Lloyd is of course a delight...shame he is only on screen for a total of 5 minutes and I will admit that Adam Scott is a very nice piece of eye candy and his character Novak is rather kick ass...as kick ass as a seismologist can be. But the few things which I enjoyed about "Piranha 3-D" nowhere near make-up for the disaster that this movie was. Oh well I suppose you can't win them all...there is of course silver lining to all of this. Adam Scott posted this via Twitter: "Seriously. If you feel ripped off I will come to your house and act out my scenes for you and your friends. U provide shotgun and fish."
...Anyone have Adam Scott's number?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, September 24, 2009
"Jennifer's Body"......is decomposing.
So the following blog is all about the movie “Jennifer’s Body.” If you don’t wish to hear about it you may wanna scamper off and come back to read after you have seen it. For those of you that have seen it and/or don’t care to see it read on my friends read on…
The premise is rather simple or well it starts off rather simple and for the faintest moment I had a panic attack as I worried I had somehow managed to stumble into a “Twilight” snuff film. But it made itself very clear that there wouldn’t be any sparkling vampires once the “Flag Girl” tore out the head football player’s lower abdomen…and then ate it while making out in the woods as Thumper and friends watched on…Edward Cullen would be toast.
But I am getting ahead of myself so let’s rewind a bit.
The premise to start with seems easy enough two high school friends who couldn’t be more different if they tried (Chic meets Geek in the most epic terms) and we go from there. Jennifer played by Megan Fox is the “it” girl and Needy played by Amanda Seyfried is the token “geek” girl she has her adorkable boyfriend Chip played by Johnny Simmons and then there is Adam Brody who takes on the surprising role of badass lead singer for the band Low Shoulder Nikolai Wolf. Brody has come a long way from the days of Seth Cohen on “The O.C.”
Long story and pieces skipped there is a concert…bar explodes killing rednecks by the…well by the bar full and the two girls escape and Jennifer….oh so intelligently decides to go off with the creepy band guys…I believe the term here would be “failtacular.” After this point in the film the audience spends a ton of time along with Needy going “WTF?” But there is plenty of blood to distract slightly from the massive missing explanations.
Best description of a dead body I have ever heard though comes from this movie….. “He looked like lasagna with teeth.” It doesn’t get much better than that as far as visuals go. I would classify the movie in whole as more dark comedy then full blown horror. While it is no “American Werewolf in London” it still gets in a few good jabs. An epic example of this would be in the moment where as an audience we find out what exactly happened to Jennifer at the hands of the band “Low Shoulder” or as Jen paints them “agents for Satan with great haircuts” is the whole actual “murder” of Jennifer. What is this very plot pivotal scene is… enhanced? By Adam Brody and the rest of the members of Low Shoulder busting out in the chorus of “867-5309 (Jenny)” as they literally hack Jennifer to pieces I was dying laughing….and Jennifer well she was actually dying. It was an awesome scene and by far my favorite scene of the movie if one must be had.
The story as a whole was actually very good though the writing had entirely too much to be desired and the acting by some (:cough: Megan Fox :cough:) had a lot of room for improvement it was still enjoyable for what it was. In a nutshell when you are a struggling Indie rock band and want to make it big…make sure you are actually sacrificing a virgin and not the town slut to the devil…if you get the slut well then you get “Jennifer’s Body.”
The character of Chip and the guys from Low Shoulder over shadow Megan and Amanda’s characters by leaps and bounds which makes you lose something as far as connecting with your two mains go but the secondary characters make up for it…for as long as they are breathing anyways. The gore was good when it was there but the shadow trick was used far too much for my liking…call me twisted but if you are going to go through the trouble of showing me the shadow of a killing…I want to actually bear witness to the blood bath.
What “Jennifer’s Body” taught me…which has been more terrifying then any boy eating vampire flag twirler is that High Schoolers these days barely speak the English language any more….did you know “jello” means “jealous?” … Yeah that makes two of us.
Is “Jennifer’s Body” scary? … No…or well not unless the thought of being a teenager in High School frightens you. Was the story good?...Yes-ish…but it could have been fleshed out better. Did the characters prove themselves?...Main ones sadly no…secondary ones rocked it though. Was it worth the price of an $8.00 (with a student discount) ticket?...Yes; and if I find it in the bargain bin at Blockbuster in a few months I will gladly buy it and add it to my collection.
The premise is rather simple or well it starts off rather simple and for the faintest moment I had a panic attack as I worried I had somehow managed to stumble into a “Twilight” snuff film. But it made itself very clear that there wouldn’t be any sparkling vampires once the “Flag Girl” tore out the head football player’s lower abdomen…and then ate it while making out in the woods as Thumper and friends watched on…Edward Cullen would be toast.
But I am getting ahead of myself so let’s rewind a bit.
The premise to start with seems easy enough two high school friends who couldn’t be more different if they tried (Chic meets Geek in the most epic terms) and we go from there. Jennifer played by Megan Fox is the “it” girl and Needy played by Amanda Seyfried is the token “geek” girl she has her adorkable boyfriend Chip played by Johnny Simmons and then there is Adam Brody who takes on the surprising role of badass lead singer for the band Low Shoulder Nikolai Wolf. Brody has come a long way from the days of Seth Cohen on “The O.C.”
Long story and pieces skipped there is a concert…bar explodes killing rednecks by the…well by the bar full and the two girls escape and Jennifer….oh so intelligently decides to go off with the creepy band guys…I believe the term here would be “failtacular.” After this point in the film the audience spends a ton of time along with Needy going “WTF?” But there is plenty of blood to distract slightly from the massive missing explanations.
Best description of a dead body I have ever heard though comes from this movie….. “He looked like lasagna with teeth.” It doesn’t get much better than that as far as visuals go. I would classify the movie in whole as more dark comedy then full blown horror. While it is no “American Werewolf in London” it still gets in a few good jabs. An epic example of this would be in the moment where as an audience we find out what exactly happened to Jennifer at the hands of the band “Low Shoulder” or as Jen paints them “agents for Satan with great haircuts” is the whole actual “murder” of Jennifer. What is this very plot pivotal scene is… enhanced? By Adam Brody and the rest of the members of Low Shoulder busting out in the chorus of “867-5309 (Jenny)” as they literally hack Jennifer to pieces I was dying laughing….and Jennifer well she was actually dying. It was an awesome scene and by far my favorite scene of the movie if one must be had.
The story as a whole was actually very good though the writing had entirely too much to be desired and the acting by some (:cough: Megan Fox :cough:) had a lot of room for improvement it was still enjoyable for what it was. In a nutshell when you are a struggling Indie rock band and want to make it big…make sure you are actually sacrificing a virgin and not the town slut to the devil…if you get the slut well then you get “Jennifer’s Body.”
The character of Chip and the guys from Low Shoulder over shadow Megan and Amanda’s characters by leaps and bounds which makes you lose something as far as connecting with your two mains go but the secondary characters make up for it…for as long as they are breathing anyways. The gore was good when it was there but the shadow trick was used far too much for my liking…call me twisted but if you are going to go through the trouble of showing me the shadow of a killing…I want to actually bear witness to the blood bath.
What “Jennifer’s Body” taught me…which has been more terrifying then any boy eating vampire flag twirler is that High Schoolers these days barely speak the English language any more….did you know “jello” means “jealous?” … Yeah that makes two of us.
Is “Jennifer’s Body” scary? … No…or well not unless the thought of being a teenager in High School frightens you. Was the story good?...Yes-ish…but it could have been fleshed out better. Did the characters prove themselves?...Main ones sadly no…secondary ones rocked it though. Was it worth the price of an $8.00 (with a student discount) ticket?...Yes; and if I find it in the bargain bin at Blockbuster in a few months I will gladly buy it and add it to my collection.
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